#THURSDAY TEN

10 Awkward Things Every Man Goes Through

10. Puberty. Your voice cracks, your hormones are high, you get hair in unnecessary places, etc. Puberty is not easy for anyone, no matter who you are, and it’s probably harder on the girls. It’s usually the time you “block out” in your adult life and you’ll probably never be able to sing like the Beegees again!

9. Gym class. Ok, you’re just finding your own place in school. Maybe you’re athletic, maybe you’re not. If you’re the latter, gym class can be a taxing time for you. If you’re a female, chances are you get an A for having tits. But if you’re a male, gym teachers expect you to at least try. You probably roll your eyes at the guys who take gym class way too seriously, or you’re thinking how playing flag football is going to help you in real life when you have no intention of becoming a pro player. If your dad never played catch with you, or taught you how to use your upper body strength, you start off gym class kinda fucked because gym teachers expect you to be gung ho about climbing a rope, or avoiding being hit in the face with a big ball (’cause gym class mirrors real life lessons). But guess what, in the end it doesn’t matter. Your body changes from when you’re a kid and you have to “re-train” your body anyways. And trust me, no job application is going to ask you if you are able to hit a baseball (well, unless you’re applying to be a baseball player. I’m pretty sure that’s the first thing they ask you :D).

8. Locker rooms. This kinda fits into another part of the gym class category. The first time someone sees your underwear, it’s when your body is starting to develop, and it’s in front of a pack of guys. I don’t know what it is about locker rooms, but I never felt comfortable being in one. If you look to the left, you’ll see something you don’t want to see. If you look to the right, you’ll see something else that’ll scar you for life. My advice…look into your locker. Be confident, localize your changing area, and don’t linger. Just change and get the f out of there. There’s also something a little odd about that scoliosis test…

7. Physicals. If you’re a guy, chances are doctors freak you out. It’s usually your wife or partner that has to coerce you to see a doctor. It’s probably because males are embarrassed or don’t want to hash out all the unusual things on their body. Maybe it’s because of the fear of bad news looming. Maybe it’s cuz a stranger’s getting up and personal with your dangling participles. Whatever the reason, physicals are pretty awkward especially with a new doctor.

6. First Dates (Especially blind dates). Even if you’ve known someone for 10 years, or just met them on ChristianMingle, first dates are always awkward. This is the time to make a good impression. You basically talk about anything under the sun, try to NOT eat like a rabid animal, and ignite a spark that could lead to other impressions. The girl probably spends hours on end getting ready for the date, and most likely has a girlfriend on standby in case the guy’s a creep. No matter how much feminism runs through the girl’s blood, they still expect an old-fashioned gentleman and that could be a lot of pressure on the guy. All I’m saying, is if you go on a second date then you passed the first test. According to Hitch, if you make it to the third date, it’s smooth sailing from there. But who knows how credible it is…I say, if you make it to the second date there’s something there.

5. Losing your V-card. Sex can be awkward for both parties involved. It’s usually something spontaneous, and most likely for the wrong reasons. Some people can’t wait to get pregnant. Some people are just curious. Some people are really in love (or think they are). There’s a lot of pressure for a man who’s a virgin. Mostly, they just want to lose it because as we discovered in #10, your hormones are running high and sex is now on the brain 24/7. There’s a bunch of things that can happen the first time. A guy could lose his erection, bust his load too early, or assume they’re doing something exciting when the girl is flipping through Cosmo or something. I’m not sure what the sex talk is gonna be like with my kids, but I picture me as being a “frank” parent and using the words penis and vagina and making sure they know all about the consequences and precautions. As long as a father lets their kids know of all the options available to them and what can happen if they don’t use them, it’s up to your kids to make the right decision. And if you’ve told them all they need to know and don’t sugarcoat things, you can almost guarantee they know what they’re going into (so to speak). My advice right now, don’t be in a rush to lose your virginity. It will most likely happen too fast and there might be a consequence that was hardly worth it.

4. Preggos. So you’re married (hopefully) and ready to have a family and you’re well past the awkwardness of #5. Your wife now has a human growing inside of her. She’s more emotional than usual, and her tummy’s getting bigger …and bigger. Chances are, she won’t give birth to a 16 pound baby (although I was 9 lbs when I was born so my baby will prob be a chunker). She’ll ask you how she looks, she’ll cry over nothing, she’ll yell at you for buying sour cream and onion chips when she wanted BBQ (even though she asked for Sour Cream and Onion). The best thing to do is comply and be calm and loving. She is carrying your child. Soothing tones will make certain your baby doesn’t pop out hating you already. I don’t have a baby as of now but I expect your pregnant wife is like PMS multiplied. Proceed with caution and tread lightly :D. After the baby is born, she’ll be normal again (hopefully) XD

3. Roommates. Living with someone is tough and awkward, especially if you both have been living separate ways for a long time. Maybe your mom does all your laundry and shit, maybe you were in a totalitarian household, where not even a hair could be out of place. College will definitely be an awkward time, mostly because you’re living with a stranger. Think about it…they picked someone at random based on one vague inkling you might share, and that person is going to live in a cramped room with you and pick up on how you sleep, breathe, and reside. In my experience, my college roommate situation was a string of episodes from The Odd Couple. I was the neat, compulsive one and my roommate…for lack of a better word, was a total slob. He would even throw socks (that were under his bed) at me to stop me from snoring. Some roommates from college could be lifelong friends but mostly your college roommate gets forgotten.

2. The Gym. Note: this is different from Gym Class. This is when you’re an adult and think Hey maybe I care about my body. If you manage to peel yourself off the couch and head to the gym, you’re going into thinking numerous things. I’m out of shape, I’m really out of shape, Everything is really heavy, I don’t want to stand next to that Arnold Shwarzennegger, there’s a Chris Farley looking guy…So if you’re not fit and you don’t really know what you’re doing, things could be awkward. Planet fitness claims to have no gymtimidation, but that’s only with the company and you. There might still be intimidation if you’re walking like a slug on the treadmill and IronMan next to you is puffing away like a machine. Keep motivating yourself. Just focus on yourself and wear blinders at the gym. That way you can concentrate on your own body and don’t have to worry about what other people are doing.

1. Interviews. You’ll probably have to change your career at some point. Interviews are equivalent to first dates; the only difference is the sexual undertones. You’re nervous, you want to make a good first impression, you need to “sell” yourself, and you’re anticipating a lifelong commitment with potential growth. You’re not trying to date your employer, but you do want to stand out. No matter how confident you are, interviews always seem to have an awkward cloud hovering over. It helps to make that cloud as small as possible by doing your research and being confident. Also, dress to impress! That goes the same for first dates 😀

 

Don’t agree with my list? What are some more awkward things?

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