1.All lullabies are pretty terrible. Make up your own songs. Especially helpful when you don’t know words to anything.

And once you find a magic song that makes your baby smile/fall asleep, you’ll be singing the shit out of that song.

2. When you bang your head against the wall, the rhythm will resemble the incessant song you’ve been hearing all day from your baby’s toy/playmat.

3. Your baby may eat twice before you get to eat once.

4. You and coffee have moved past “just friends” and now you’re in a co-dependent relationship.

5. Your baby will roll around and perform “crawling positions” making you want to wrap your entire house in bubble wrap.

6. Babies have no logic. They cry when they’re sleepy instead of just sleeping; get soothed by a pacifier, take the pacifier out and then cry that it’s not in their mouth; and poop when you’ve just finished putting them in the car seat.

7. Baby clothes still make no sense.

8. If you’re boring enough, your child will most likely fall asleep. Try balancing your check book or watching the History channel at bed time.

9. Your heart goes out to any crying child, but you’ll probably only do something about it if he’s your child.

10. Sleep is not as elusive, but you probably still won’t be a morning person.


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